Imagine...

- your electric and heat are going to be shut off and you only have $4.00 to your name.

- you are pregnant and have 2 hungry children at home with an empty fridge and no money for food.

- you are 8 months pregnant and lose your job because you cannot work a full shift on your feet.

- you are 9 months pregnant and have been evicted from your apartment and your car is now your “home.”
 
Now imagine this is your reality... being unable to provide for you and your children’s needs - the very basic needs such as food, clothing, shelter, safety, needs which no one should ever go without.

Each of the above situations has been a real life tragedy faced by AFTH birthmothers. It continues to be an increasing reality for more and more pregnant women who come to AFTH to make an adoption plan for their unborn child. 

And while some adoptive parents have the means to offer financial support in these situations, more often than not, the financial assistance from families is far exceeded by the actual need. Despite that truth, AFTH cannot and will not ignore these cries for help.

Health care, paid sick days, food for ourselves and our children, a safe place to sleep at night - all things often taken for granted, but for those without they are seen as a godsend. Ask any AFTH counselor working with a pregnant woman facing such a travesty, she will tell you that having the “birthmother fund” to provide this essential financial aid is not a supplementary service, but a necessary and vital role AFTH and AFTH Supporters play in bettering the lives of women and children in our communities.

Say you will help. Extend your hand by generously offering what you can as a donation to our birthmother fund and say YES to a woman desperate for help in securing those basic needs which no one should ever have to struggle to obtain. 

Help AFTH today as our need to replenish the dwindling birthmother fund is now. DONATE NOW

Post Adoption Depression in New Fathers

Becoming a parent is one of the biggest changes that both men and women can go through, yet there is still very little understood about how it impacts mental health, and how many parents will experience mental health concerns. Men are often forgotten about when speaking of post-adoption depression (PADS) or post-partum depression but modern fathers are put under different strains than they were in the past. It is no longer good enough to just be the bread-winner. Over the decades, fathers have become more engaged and involved in child rearing, which has added strain and stress. 

Studies are suggesting that 1 in 10 new fathers may have the blues. New fathers are just as susceptible to post-partum depression as new mothers, but it seems to occur in men later than it does in women. Lack of sleep, new responsibilities and/or supporting a wife with depression can often be triggers. Depression in new fathers seems to occur after 3-6 months after the child’s birth and is more likely to occur if their partner is experiencing depression. 

Despite society’s tendency to overuse labels, treatment for clinical depression is essential and more efforts should be made to improve screening and referral for at risk fathers. Men may see depression as a weakness and not want or find it necessary to seek help but mounting evidence suggests that early paternal depression may have substantial emotional, behavioral and developmental effects on children. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of and may require treatment to overcome.

The baby blues, is a temporary "down" period. Tearfulness, fatigue, irritability, difficulty sleeping, mood swings, and other signs of the baby blues usually begin 1-2 days after birth and may last up to 3 weeks.

Postpartum depression is a mood disorder characterized by negative thinking patterns and feelings of hopelessness, sadness, and despondency. Unlike the temporary baby blues, postpartum depression deepens. New parents may feel like they have fallen into a dark hole, have obsessive thoughts, and be unable to shake troublesome worries.

Post-adoption depression is not yet a distinct illness recognized by the American Psychiatric Association. PADS can range from a full-blown episode of severe depression requiring hospitalization or just a simple case of the blues that lasts a month or two. The few scientific studies of PADS indicate that over half of adoptive parents experience it. AFTH recommends talking with your doctor if you or your spouse may be experiencing PADS.

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Join us and our celebrity guests in celebrating AFTH's 25th anniversary and help make our fundraiser a success so AFTH can continue its mission of helping women, children, and families for years to come.

We are excited to announce 3 local well-known sports celebrities are joining our fundraiser:
Honorary guest golfers include SportsRadio 610am personalities Paul Jolovitz and Brian Startare! Gather your team or come as an individual and register soon to share an afternoon of golf with two of Philadelphia's favorite SportsRadio guys! And sharing a few words on what adoption means to her at our banquet following the tournament will be Lauren Hart, adoptive mother, musician and daughter of famous Philadelphia Flyers announcer Gene Hart!

Not a golfer? Join us for our evening banquet beginning at 5:30 including excellent food, 3 hour open bar and silent auction. AFTH Executive Director Maxine Chalker, an adoptee herself, will be in attendance and is excited to be  honoring the 25th anniversary of the agency once know as "The Adoption Agency" which she began in the basement of her home and which introduced the benefits of open adoption to the east coast.

If you live too far away to join us at the event, AFTH would be glad to have your support in other ways. We already have some great silent auction items and we are thrilled to accept additional items from other AFTH supporters. No matter how small the gift is, such as a $5 gift card from Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts, it can draw lots of interest when bundled with other items for a “help to survive the week” or “enjoy the sweet things in life” themed basket.

Some of the items already donated for our silent auction include: Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Viewing Passes, Week at a Time Share, Moses Malone Jersey (76ers), Quintin Demps Autographed photo (Eagles), Massage and Spa Certificates, Gym Memberships and Personal Training Sessions, Restaurant Certificates, Ukrainian Tea Set, Fur Coat, Tickets to PA Academy of Fine Arts, Kramer Studios Wall Portrait ($2,000 value), and more.

Join us in celebrating not only the past 25 years but also many more years of building beautiful families at the Springfield Country Club in Springfield, Pa (just off 476) on Thursday, September 16, 2010.

Registration Deadline - September 1st or sooner when space fills up! REGISTER TODAY!

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ARKANSAS - Arkansas courts overturned a ban on unmarried or cohabitating persons from adopting. They stated the original ruling was an invasion of privacy and unfairly targeted gay and lesbian families. They upper courts stated the original ruling severely limited the number of foster and adoptive families available to children.

CALIFORNIA, FLORIDA, ILLINOIS, NEW JERSEY, AND OHIO - These states are all seeing substantial reductions in the number of children in foster care, according to a June 5 Associated Press article by David Crary ("Foster-care Populations Fall Sharply") on msnbc.com. Nationally, the number of children in foster care fell 11% from 2002 to 2008. The article said these declines are due to several factors, including expediting adoptions and increasing funding for preventative measures that reduce the need for foster care in the first place.

FLORIDA - Governor Charlie Crist no longer supports a ban on gay adoption, he now states that a better approach is to let judges make the decision on a case by case basis. Florida is the only state with an explicit ban on gay adoption in the country.

DEFENSE DEPARTMENT ADOPTION REIMBURSEMENT PROGRAM - This program reimburses service members for certain adoption expenses such as agency and placement fees, legal fees and medical expenses. Service members who serve continuously on active duty for at least 180 days can receive up to a maximum of $2,000 per child, but can't exceed $5,000 per calendar year. In 2009, the program distributed nearly 650 payments throughout the services, totaling more than $1 million. The department also offers service members who adopt up to 21 days of non-chargeable leave to be used in connection with the adoption.

For more information, contact your local family support center or personnel office, or call Military OneSource at 800-342-9647.

SOCIAL MEDIA - New social media technologies such as Facebook can be a double-edged sword for members of the adoption triad. While such technologies often expand the amount and flow of available information and remove the geographical barriers between searching family members, they can also lead people into uncharted territory. Online reunions may occur without the support systems that are often available through more structured means so use caution when using social media as a means of searching.

One Birthmother’s Experience

I wanted to let you know I had a nice time at the picnic. I was happy to see Cole and that he is doing well. The family was really nice. Also, I was happy I got to talk to some other birth moms before I left the picnic. It was nice I got their stories. I just thought I was the only one and it helped to know I wasn’t. Thank you for the experience to get to know other moms like myself and have a better understanding of what I did for this family.
                                                                                                                                       - Kristen

When asked what open adoption means, one adoptive mother shares what it means to her:

Open adoption allowed us to be a family and it has changed our lives completely. I hardly remember what it was like before Zoe came along! Reunions with Sarah (and Zoe’s birthdad, Chris) are very important. We encourage Zoe to be in contact with Sarah often, and we send her pictures via Facebook very frequently (every few days). Zoe will ask to call Sarah sometimes – like one day when she came home from school with a question about her eye and hair color, we just picked-up the phone and asked Sarah! She also likes to send text messages to Sarah. She loves to have open access to her birthparents that way. She really looks forward to seeing Sarah – usually 2 or 3 times a year. Most recently, Sarah took her creek stomping at a local park. It was an easy, inexpensive thing for them to do together and they both had a blast! 

Sarah seems a little nervous about seeing Zoe sometimes. Zoe is not nervous at all about seeing Sarah, and she just thinks of her as her birthmom, as if everyone has a birthmom that is different from their “real” mom, too. She absolutely LOVES Sarah, though she has a hard time explaining how she loves Sarah. She says that she loves Sarah differently than she loves me, but she can’t really explain how its different. We talk about Sarah and Chris at home all the time – there is no secret and no hesitation to talk about them. Zoe likes to share things with them as much as possible.

When Chris comes to see her, she climbs all over him. He usually brings her a small gift back when he goes on business trips, and those gifts are very special to Zoe. Pretty much any gift from Sarah or Chris is very special to her! When Sarah visits, I try to give them some space. I want for Zoe to be able to talk with Sarah openly and ask anything she wants without worrying about it hurting my feelings. Zoe loves to show Sarah her room and her toys and ask her to read books so we are so glad we can do visits in our home or at a park.

I’ve known Sarah since she was 8 years old, so now that Zoe is almost 7, I’m seeing many similarities between them. Sometimes when Zoe reads, she has the EXACT same look on her face as Sarah did when she was little. I took a picture to send to Sarah so she could see how much Zoe looked like her in that moment. Zoe and Sarah also both love cats (can that be genetic?) and that’s a really cool thing for them to have in common.

Adoption to Zoe is just normal – there is no other way to describe it. She went through a short period when she thought everyone was adopted, and now she understands that is not the case. She talks about her experience and her birthparents openly and regularly. She has pictures of Sarah hanging in her room and we have pictures of the two of them together hanging in our living room.

Sarah always thanks us for taking care of Zoe. It’s really funny to us, because while she thinks we’re doing her this huge, life-long favor of raising the child she couldn’t care for, we see it so differently. She trusted us with the most precious thing in her life and allowed us to be parents. She thinks she can never repay us for what we do, but we know for certain that we can never repay her for what she’s done for us. 

Book Reviews
All reviewed books are available in our branch offices, online or you can order by calling Martha Coulbourne in the Wynnewood office (610) 642-7200.

Why Can't You Look Like Me? by Ola Zuri (English and French Edition) - This book is the story of an African American girl adopted by a Caucasian family, and her struggle to find her place within a predominately white community. Author, Ola Zuri is a trans-racial adoptee and knows first hand the struggle to find where one fits in. This book is light and empowering and great for talking about race and culture with your children. The illustrations are unusual and fun. This is the first in a series of books with topics relating to transracial adoption, racism, fitting in, questions about family, identity, and most of all, self esteem and self confidence.  AFTH price $15.00

A Cup of Comfort for Adoptive Families: Stories that Celebrate a Special Gift of Love edited by Colleen Sell - This is a story collection that celebrates individuals and families who experience adoption firsthand. From first-time parents, anxiously awaiting the phone call that their little one has arrived to a single woman crossing the Atlantic to find her heart's child, this inspiring collection will touch every person who reads it. This is a great book to give to extended family members curious about adoption. AFTH price $5.00.

My New Family: A First Look at Adoption by Pat Thomas - This is an easy-to-understand series of books geared for younger children. Each book of the “A First Look At” series explores emotional issues kids preschool through early school age may experience. This book talks about birth parents,  foster parents and adoptive parents. It shows sad moments as well as happy moments. It is a great first look at adoption. AFTH price $7.00

Lets Talk About Race by Julius Lester - This book is a great way to start a conversation about race and racism. Although geared toward children grades 1-5, older children would also enjoy it. Lester teaches us that everyone has a story that is made up of lots of things like when they were born, what  race they are, who their parents are and lots more. His message is that everyone is a person that deserves to be treated with respect no matter what color their skin is and we are all the same underneath. AFTH price $7.00

Lesbian and Gay Parents and Their Children: Research on the Family Life Cycle  by Abbie E. Goldberg - More same sex couples than ever are becoming parents and this  book provides a comprehensive overview of the research on same sex parenthood. Ms. Goldberg touches on LGBT experiences raising children through young adulthood, including challenges of interacting with schools and teachers. At the end of the book she speaks to the children themselves about their experiences having LGBT parents. AFTH price $45.00

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Program Updates

DOMESTIC PROGRAMS - We hope your family has joined us at one of our agency picnics this summer. It is always wonderful to see so many families, those who are parents through adoption and those waiting. We were very happy to see so many adoptive families invite their child’s birth families to spend the day together. What a wonderful way to make memories for your family and children.

Please take the time to review the newsletter insert listing the Fall Education Classes being offered at various AFTH offices in the upcoming months.

AFTH is excited to announce that we have had 7 more placements than last year in our African-American and African-American Biracial Domestic Program. We still have a need for African-American families and families who are open to full African-American infants. Webinars to learn about this program are being held each month.

AFTH has begun running ads on Facebook geared to women in our service area who may be facing unplanned pregnancies. This new campaign will help to increase awareness and spread the word about the option of adoption. We have already had over 150 women click on the ad titled “Unplanned Pregnancy - we can help" and visited the "pregnant section" of our website. For waiting families, we hope this means an increase in families being selected in the second half of this year.

We continue to see an increase in the need for financial assistance to aid the pregnant women we are counseling. This year our Annual Appeal calls to AFTH friends, families, and adoption supporters to offer what you can as a donation to our Birthmother Fund, which is in dire need of replenishing. Every penny donated to the Birthmother Fund aids pregnant women working with AFTH who are struggling to provide for their basic needs such as food, clothing, and shelter. Say you will join with us to help. All donations, no matter what amount, are graciously accepted. Donations are tax deductible. DONATE TODAY

Heartbeats - The Embryo Placement Program has been running successfully. We are now offering our Embryo Education Course online for those families who already have an adoption home study complete and are in need of the Embryo Education to join the program. Webinars specific to the Embryo Placement Program are being held every other month. Anyone interested in attending to learn more can register for the webinar via the online event calendar.

A great deal of interest has been shown in the Surrogacy in India Program since it became an option for families. We expect to have at least 1-2 clients going through the process quite soon. The program is an excellent opportunity for those wishing to have a biological connection with their child and offers a more affordable option than surrogacy in the U.S. We are offering webinars every other month focused on this program.

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For Caucasian families adopting African-American or African-American bi-racial children, hair care can be a daunting experience, but it doesn't have to be. Armed with the proper education, the right technique, and, most importantly, the right products; you can master the art of caring for ethnic hair.

Top four biggest mistakes adoptive parents may make with their child’s hair:

Over Shampooing - African-American hair does not require daily shampooing, doing so may actually be damaging to this delicate hair type. On average, African-American hair only needs to be washed every 5-7 days depending on the hair.

Under Conditioning - Moisture is extremely important, especially during winter months. African-American hair is often much thicker and curlier than Caucasian hair and needs a lot of conditioning to avoid breakage. 

Using the Wrong Products - Selection of products is also important as not all oils are created equal. Just because a product claims to be created for "curly hair" doesn't guarantee that it will be suitable for ethnic curly hair. Products created for Nicole Kidman's curly hair may not work for Angela Bassett's hair. Just like all hair, not all products will work for every child’s hair and families will need to experiment to find what works best for their child.

Combing & Detangling - Combing a child’s hair requires patience and knowledge. Using a wide tooth comb, divide the hair into sections, comb the hair out from the ends of the hair first and then work your way down to the hair at the scalp. Comb while holding on tightly to each section of the hair in order to avoid hurting your child. Always use a moisturizer when combing hair out to soften the hair and ease comb-ability. Your child's favorite movie or tv show is a great distraction while you work. Trying to work too quickly could make hair care a nightmare for you both.

Here are additional resources to find tips and discussions about hair and skin care for African-American children:

Adoptionhair_skincare is a yahoo group that was started by families who have adopted children of African and/or Caribbean descent, and would like to share about hair and skin care. Whether your experienced or not, join in the hair discussions, and learn how to care for your child's hair, offer advice, or share hairstyles. Great for those who have adopted boys and girls! Even welcome to those who are considering adopting a child and would like to prepare.

Adoption.com has a great library of articles including, “Caring for Your African American or Biracial Child's Hair.”

Katelyn, adoptive mother of three Liberian children created a YouTube channel to post tutorial videos for other adoptive parents looking for advice on hair care for their black or biracial children. Visit YouTube.com and type in Katelynylyn to view her tutorial videos.

Fall Fun Festival

Five summers ago, my husband and I shared a picnic blanket with a couple we'd only recently met. Perched in a parking lot alongside the Navesink River in Red Bank, N.J., we awaited the sun to set and the night sky to fill with an extravaganza of colored lights. "The best around," they'd promised.

Fireworks weren't all we were waiting for. That first Fourth of July we spent together was also our last as couples without children. We met during Adoption From The Heart's education classes and, after talking long after the session ended, we exchanged email addresses in a first act of "oh-my-gosh-they-have-the-same-anxiety-and-excitement-and-questions-and-fears-as-us" friendship.

After the next class and later the video shoot, we moved our chats to a nearby restaurant where we shared stories, fielded questions and got to know each other with a fervor - for hours at a clip. Emails seeking advice or sharing thoughts flooded one another's in-boxes. We even talked about the inevitable situation when one couple would become parents before the other. Good thing, because just weeks after that shared Independence Day, the first call from our social worker came. The second followed within the month.

Weeks later we were together again, meeting newborn baby daughters, coddling them in colossal proportions and propping them next to each other for parent-paparazzi photo shoots. We opened gifts, compared feeding and sleeping schedules, and talked about home visits from social workers. Plans were made for our next gathering and, much like proud parents of a newly arranged marriage, we imagined their future together.
 
We've since celebrated birthdays, shared their first   aquarium visit (the girls eating fish-shaped crackers from their stroller trays was an irony we noted more than once), left presents under each other's Christmas tree, picnicked at the park, visited the zoo, talked of sharing a vacation someday, had family sleepovers capping hours of boardwalk rides or beach time, and spent cool evenings by a fire with tired kids on our laps, stars twinkling and crickets serenading yet another terrific time together.

Over the years we've shared meltdowns, milestones and diaper drama, asked "what do you do?" when a new  stage or behavior has us stumped, and shared countless new-parent anecdotes. We've delighted in confusing strangers who assumed, thanks to the girls' similar curls and complexion, they were twins. "Well," we'd respond with devious smiles, "they're three weeks apart." When one of us welcomed another daughter, we all shared in that joy. We chuckle nervously about the tween and teen years to come, noting our "what do you do?" conversations will be so very different then.

Last year a move took one family out of state, changing the regularity of visits. Yet we still welcomed 2010 together, sitting before a fire in a new home, surrounded by the chaos that is three girls in dress-up, singing into microphones, opening holiday gifts and blowing party horns until their little bodies could take no more.

This summer we spent yet another steamy July evening crowded onto a picnic blanket along the Navesink River. Despite geography and another imminent family move, the foursome-turned-sevensome carried on as usual, continuing a tradition that began five years ago: sharing stories and making memories, and deepening a friendship that started when making long-haul friends was the last thing on our minds.

A framed photo of the two girls - the once "arranged friends" - sits by my daughter's bedside. Despite current preschool friends and new friends to make at kindergarten this fall, nothing can change the comforting story of her first friend. Recently, one of the girls actually reflected on their friendship: "Mom, she's more than a friend, isn't she? She's more like … a sister." Not bad for a four-year-old!

I'd like to think that when the girls really begin to process their adoptions - each with their own very different story - they can trust the foundation we've created for them and, much like their folks have done, lean on the friend they have in one another.

Gretchen Boger-O'Bryan was placed with her daughter in July 2005 through Adoptions From The Heart. An editor and freelance writer, she has an adoption and first-time parenthood blog at www.mamagigi.wordpress.com. Reach her at mamagigi@comcast.net.